Thursday, January 31, 2013

Day #7

Struggling to find a cooking class in NYC that I can afford!  Arg. Open to ideas! So while I search for that, I decided my goal for today is to sign up for toastmasters since the thought of public speaking makes me want to throw up.   Yes, really. I would rather write a 20-page paper on the developing electoral system of Uzbekistan  than speak in front of people. 

Oh God. I just emailed them. NERVES.

(this is pretty much how I'm feeling right now).

For someone with social anxiety this is HUGE. Huge. Let's see if I actually go...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Day #6 of things that scare me

Putting myself out there is scary-Found a place to volunteer! Am going to join a friend and some people I don't know-helpful for the social anxiety! Helping someone else may turn out to help me the best thing ever! 

Next, trying to find a cooking class. because I don't know how..

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Day #5

Yesterday I decided to be more independent..didn't realize how hard that is to do! It's the little things right now, that I'm  taking back and didn't realize I was relying on other people to do/help me with! Help is always good, but so is using it when you need it and not getting lazy. I've been getting lazy.

Today I'm going to reach out and find a place to volunteer within the next couple of weeks. Any ideas, I'm all ears!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Day 4 of 30 Days of Things that Scare Me

So after that last post...what happened could not have been more...I don't want to say perfect. I had the opportunity to reach out and help someone, to encourage them along a journey that I didn't even know that they were on. An acquaintance that I had sold my triathlon bike to revealed that she had a suicide attempt exactly 10 years ago. To commemorate her survival, she is embarking on an Ironman triathlon this year and independently raising money for suicide prevention and awareness on college campuses.

My jaw nearly hit the floor when I saw this and I knew I had to reach out to her and to donate. We're not close friends, she and I, but I saw this opportunity to help in a way that I was capable of and I hope it worked. 

I've been slack on my list the past couple of days but I am starting anew!  Today My goal is to reclaim my independence that I've been acquiescing, slowly, bit by bit lately because it's been easier to let someone else drive. Today is the first day I am going to start to get it back.

Insert cheesy video here:

Friday, January 25, 2013

30 Days of Things That Scare Me-Day 3

So yesterday I apologized to someone. Not necessarily a big deal, but owning up to screwing up is not necessarily something that comes easily to me. It wasn't a big deal-A facebook discussion that somehow turned into something much bigger and subsequently nastier than it should have. A difference of opinions and perspectives is all it really was. I couldn't apologize in person or on the phone so I sent an email.


Could it be the person didn't accept my apology? Possibly. Could they still be angry? Also totally possible. Also could it be they actually have other things going on other than MY facebook comments to worry about? Also totally (and most likely) possible. A little humbling (and well, DUH) to think about the fact that what bothers you/upsets you just might not be that important to someone else as well as the other extreme-what you do/say can MATTER. Even on Facebook. Or maybe I just need to chill out.

Today's goal: Confronting my unflattering personality trait of being selfish.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

30 Days of things That Scare Me-Day 2

So it turns out much of what scares me is...change. Altering my pattern, adjusting my routine in any way causes stress. And that's why I work in ecommerce-because that's SO stable. Apparently I crave change while it scares the shit out of me at the same time. Interesting.

Pretty close to how I usually feel.

So what did I do yesterday? (Punctuality is not my strong point-working on that another day). I signed up for the gym, but went to one in a different neighborhood, fairly far from where I live. For me, this is important on two fronts:

1) I have the directional skills of a gnat. Actually, theirs might be better. I've gotten lost in Central Park. Which is a loop. Yup.
2) Leaving the comfort zone of my neighborhood and going even slightly off track-not something I EVER do.

So I was in a neighborhood (granted, not far from my office) but I didn't see a single person I knew. And somehow, that was ok. I didn't melt.

And 2nd: I actually followed an author (Let's Pretend This Never Happened) and she FOLLOWED ME BACK on Twitter. I guess I'm even afraid of rejection on the interwebz. Hmm.

I think my "project" for Day 3 might involve a bit more humility.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

30 Days of things that scare me...

Doesn't this sound like something that should be in an Eat Pray Love kind of book? Possibly. I saw an acquaintance start something like this about a week ago and I realized in it's simplicity how awesome it really is:

Stepping out of the comfort zone. I mean really, how hard could that be?

Um, yeah. Not so easy as it turns out. It's not necessarily the big changes that are scary-those either come at you like a freight train or you can thoughtfully prepare for them. There's a certain amount of intensity/force that's almost easier to reckon with.

I'm talking about the little things-you know, the small things that add up to keep you where you are except you only have a flicker of realization. Then quickly, it passes and you're back in your comfortable (if not healthy) groove.

So here's my start:

Day 1
Quit book club.
I KNOW. Right? For me, quitting ANYTHING (boyfriends, a sports team), causes a fair amount of anxiety. Quitting to me, leaving means failure, a certain amount of you screwed up-ness. I liked book club when I started, really really enjoyed meeting with other women and getting exposed to certain books I would never have otherwise read. changed, becoming more structured and less of what I wanted/needed in a book club. Leaving it to me meant leaving behind some of the people I had started to get to know and actually quite liked. That makes me sad.

Now, hold that thought. I almost NEVER WENT. Sanity check? I'm missing the potential of what I wanted to get out of book club rather than what I did get. So, I'm missing what I didn't actually get. Hmmmm. I didn't go because I didn't want to, but more because of life/work/schedule wasn't working for me. And you know what? THAT'S FINE.  I'm still having some anxiety (shhh, with the judging!) over not having that "possibility" anymore, but it will all be OK. It's New York. There are other book clubs.



Carry on...